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Tool Definitions

Botch

I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S!
Superstar
You DIYers will like this. Its embarrassing how many of these I'm familiar with first-hand....




DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
Implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.=
 

Batman

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Moderator
Famous
OMG I'm in tears... :laughing-rolling: those were both awesome and SO true!!
 

PaulyT

Behind the Curtain
Staff member
Administrator
Moderator
Superstar
O God, I thought when I read the subject line, and given my other recent post, that this thread was about John Mayer.








:text-imsorry:
 

Botch

I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S!
Superstar
PaulyT said:
O God, I thought when I read the subject line, and given my other recent post, that this thread was about John Mayer.
:text-imsorry:
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
 

PaulyT

Behind the Curtain
Staff member
Administrator
Moderator
Superstar
Botch, I just noticed your change in signature. I haven't laughed that hard in days! Thanks!


:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

And yeah, I'm in a bit of a mood. :eek:bscene-drinkingdrunk:





... no, not :puke-huge: before any wise-asses try to make any stupid fucking jokes.
 

Botch

I.Y.A.A.Y.A.S!
Superstar
PaulyT said:
Botch, I just noticed your change in signature. I haven't laughed that hard in days! Thanks!
;) So glad you did, it was just for you... :laughing:
 

Zing

Retired Admin
Famous
PaulyT said:
... no, not :puke-huge: before any wise-asses try to make any stupid fucking jokes.
Um, I don't think it qualifies as a "joke" when someone is recounting a past event that actually happened. I believe that's called history. :eek:bscene-birdiedoublered:
 

Rope

Well-Known Member
Famous
If I might make reference to "jesus clips", which are not a tool per se, although they make the person attempting to remove them a tool. Yeah, the little "c" clips that keep carburetor linkage and other sundry items attached.

Now for the name, every time I've removed a "c" clip, there's a low level "ping" which indicates it is traveling airborne around the speed of light in a direction that undistinguisable, but usually lands in a pile of old parts in the corner I've been meaning to clean up for the last 20 years. My response when this transpires...JESUS! Hence the name "jesus clip."

My advice if you intend to rebuild your own carburetor; find a "clean room" where only walls, ceiling, and a floor exist.

Rope
 

Alien

Active Member
LOL...

Can I add some? Just delete it if not...

Box End Wrench: Used to make that leak under your sink even worse.

Needle Nose Pliers: Just the kind of pliers you'd need for a job well done but they don't ever fit when you really really really need them to.

Socket Wrench: The kind of hand tool that actually has twice as many accessories as a makeup kit and you collect more every birthday, fathers day, anniversary...

Socket Wrench extensions: A sub-category of aforementioned accessories that seems to have an infinite number of combinations of use to get to those hard to reach places...and THEN you find out you don't own the right socket.

Reciprocating Saw: Probably the most cumbersome to handle powered cutting tool you'll ever use but you'd be damned if it isn't cool when you really need to make just about anything smaller or into many pieces and what it looks like afterward doesn't matter.
 
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